Venerable one...

23 May 2008 3:26 PM
Dear Rinpoche,
I appreciate that you have been so tolerant with me while I spout off every thought that comes into my head. I know that a times it seems disrespectful. perhaps I just wallow in my own mental poison but like healing a bad cold, i must cough up the impure phlegm in order to be rid of it. so i confess my own rottenness and allow the direct experience of your compassion to replace my confusions and obscuring passions.
Today I said prayers to Chenrezig. I set out some incense a candle fresh water a gardenia from my garden and I made the mandala offering mudra to represent the meager donation i made to Sakya Rinchen Choling Nunnery.I have also been saying prayers for the rebirth of Chagdud Rinpoche at Ngakpa's suggestion. I have tried to focus on the Vajrasattva mantra and the Barched Lamsel since those are part of my daily practice anyway. I say a round of Amitabha mantra along with Amitayus. Also I did the Red Tara Phowa for a neighbor who died last week.. I said White Tara today because my friend went to the doctor today and I do need to look out for those close to me, Including you my friend.
You did say that i should consider you as a friend first, but I want you to know that i have a lot of respect for you as a teacher, and also for Ngakpa G.
I am not entirely simple in my knowledge of Buddhism. A lot of my knowledge is conceptual from reading and much comes from looking at Thangkas. I used to contemplate a war damaged figure of Manjushri and practice sending light and strength to the wounds in the figure and sending out the image of myself as Tara to people i know and then to those farther a way.This just came to me at the time, nine years ago because after my first empowerment, i did not have sadhana to practice or even the 21 praises, only this "Jetsun prayer," the praise of the Mantra.I would visualize my self as Arya Tara and send out a green and golden light along with the circling mantra to touch people i knew in each direction and give them strength and courage and wisdom some times i would draw away Their fears and pain in the form of dark smoke. Other times I would view people i knew as Tara and bow to the light that came from them.
I'm not really sure which parts of these practices were suggested by the teaching that we received from the Tulku at the Kagyu center and which parts came from reading Bokor Rinpoche or Pema Chodron.
I managed to say Around five hundred to eight hundred mantra each day, I worked it into everything,I'd do prostration and say mantra, count beads while i took my morning walk, I worked the mantra into the sawing sanding and filing on the jewelry that i made. i said a mantra for each hammer stroke, so I had bracelets that were shaped with the vibration of Tara. I even said the ten syllables while I stirred the lentils and cut up parsley.
I felt like I as stoned most of the time, I did a lot of writing for school, but the problem there was that when i let my mind run on these freeform creative papers i was writing or the literary criticism, my brain would just race, and it was hard to keep any focus.I was seeing a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner, who was treating me for my splenetic outbursts and a collapsing stomach. I had chronic anemia and internal bleeding. The first few needlings and Herbal regimen sent me into a wild brainstorm.I had almost hallucinatory ideation. I found a kind of key to language and alphabets. I couldn't sleep for a couple of days. Most of my friends couldn't follow.my train of thought but it would have been lovely to have some one help by taking a few notes. I did manage to come up with a paper that outlined some of the connection between the New York Public Library and Samuel Sheppard's play, The Buried Child" and and other paper that outlined the way Coleridge used the phases of the moon and different meteorological effects to say things about emotional l states.
When I met You in 2006, one of the immediate connections was an old school mate of Masha's. I think that we missed the first day, when you taught on the Prajnaparamita Sutra..
Denny was particularly interested in the Medicine Buddha, So we all attended that Denny and Masha both mentioned a Yoga class which also had them very enthusiastic. Later we all attended a day when you read through the "old red book," Path To Awakening. I think we all took refuge along with the wang for the Guru Yoga, and Masha retained part of her Kagyu name, becoming Pema Tsultrim while I remained Karma Sherab. Denny tells me that you honored him with your Grandfather's name because of his military service and knowledge of history. We all missed the Dzambala empowerment, and only Masha and made it to the Metro center for the Amitayus / long Life empowerment. I Understood little, of that ceremony, although I have read some about it and i have made several replica's of a very small silver Amitayus. Also I still have one of the consecrated longevity 'pills,'
I recall that Denny gave you an old carved pecha cover embossed with three yellow alloy Buddhas, and painted in the inside with The Dhyani Buddhas. Many persons remarked on the beauty of the offering, and Masha felt compelled to give you her cover also.i remember as we left the Metro center, I looked back and say you holding the Pecha cover and gently touching Manjushri, Tara, and Chenrezig..

Ngakpa G. was very helpful over the weeks that followed Fleshing out the teachings and The Background of Jigme Lingpa and the Longchenpa tradition

I was a very special time for all of us as we felt warmly welcomed by the sangha.

I wonder what you see when you look at us.?
You say that you are a mirrortaht you appear the way people expect