Dear Lama:

Dear Lama,
The last time were here you asked me to do lots of White Tara meditations or if I was going to do them and I said yes. The thing is that I did not know that you were going to give the transmission for the practice  along with a samaya commitment of ten thousand mantras. I thought that It would be rude for me not to show up if you were giving a teaching at the center. I hve the Impression that you think i am hungering after empowerments, but that is not the case. when you or any other venerable Lama comes to our center, I attend out of respect. not because i need this or want to have lots of empowerments. I expected a teaching about health and longlife praractices, The retreat for the empowerment was not so far away and not expensive in any way. I could have ridden with my freind NH and shared the cost of gas. I know that you have warned about those people who come to the centers just when there are special Lamas coming or exotic teachings. I know that I have taken quite a few wangs and this is the first time that our center has offered on where i did not Participate. This was because of the number of teachings and empowerments we have been offered by you and the other Lamas who have visited. In fact we have been uncommonly blessed. i really felt that i was a part of building the strength of this new center but somethings have troubled me for a long time. as you may recall I was even member of the board of directors briefly. What I remember happening was that we had one meeting where there was no focus on planing donations to your temple projects and no agreement about a stipend for G who has been our resident teacher and without whom tere would be no center. What happened was that M, who is supposedto be training as treasurer, demanded a vote approving continued donations to her favorite charity. We were supposed to be voting on the charted for the center itself and approving a monthly donation to our two founding lamas. instead it degenerated to a circus, and the president did nothing to restore order or keep the focus. Infact the president a M normally meet privatly to make arangements when Lamas visit. that is why there are never any board meetings. They simply do the work take the credit and leave all the rest of the board out of the process. The aftermath of that was that The president resigned in what seemed like a childish fit, also resigning his duties as a shrine keeper. Then I was kicked off, our new practice leader was removed. D, a new member who has decades of experience in other darma groups was asked to resign as was A. the one lawyer in our group, and the only person who has been to Tibet other than you and Lama G.
I feel ashamed about this. Because the president was reinstated, along with his friend.
All this is just complaining. And all this is just normal bickering that goes on in any human group. I was really proud to be onthe Board for a brief time. It added some much needed self-esteem. The Idea that I might be trusted with something as precious as bringing the Dharma to our area was very exiting. I had many thoughts about improving the website, and networking with other centers, as well as making Malas to sell for practitioners.  But just like my aspirations to be chopan, this all evaporated.
So I thought that I would swallow pride again and sit on the floor in the back and share a text with my freind NH.
But even that is not really enough. When we last hat Tsog, M. who is now one of the chopan nearly threw the offering food at us, dropping the plates onto the text. It was hard to mistake the malice in her smile.  NH always laughs at that sort of thing. she has been treated for cancer and I don't think that she wants to let somone elses confusion ruin the life that she has.
I feel honored to have freinds like her, because i learn so much more about Dharma from her than I do from a book full of ideas and hairsplitting terminology. And of course the practice of running a center, making offerings for the tsog and then serving them to the participants, the whole thing, it's just a way to practice the six perfections and have a bodhisattva attitude. i mean we pray to Tara for protection or Vajrasattva for purification and we ask Padmasambhava to grant siddhis and open the way for our enlightenment but we are always asking this for the sake of others. Really the dedication prayers at the end of nearly every sadhana that i have practiced, they all ask "may I acheive the state of this deity or Buddha in order to establish all beings at that same level."
We seek enlightenment for others.
But this brings me back through all my confusion about the Dharma center and the acting out and veiled jealosies.
I asked Lama G. and he said that it was fine for me to practice the self visualization for White Tara, because I have taken The empowerments for Green Tara, The Red Tara, and also done the retreat for the five Tara tsog .
What happened then is very strange to me. I think we have always been on good terms and I know you like my good freinds DZ and MA and they regard you as their teacher. When I asked you if I could consider you as my teacher you said "No, friend is better."  I thought that was OK at the time. The word 'teacher' implies a formal relationship. My parents were teachers, professors P.hd and deans in their respective fields, But i did have a few very bad teachers. Yes, there were a few with weak classroom skills, and a few that saw themselves as intellectual gatekeepers, dedicated to keeping deviants like me out of college.
Well, folks who know me a little might worry that teacher meant 'bad.,' because of the odd situations i lived in.
But I learn accidentally and by intent.
I'm still learning from some of my 'bad' teachers.

 
19 May 2008