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control
November 2009 
When in your life have you felt most out of control? WARNING
Posted on Feb 11th, 2008
by 
sherab
sherab
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for February 10, 2008:
When My Ex-girlfreind called me up and invited me to a picnic, that was ok, when she said she was about three months pregnant, I was still OK. It was three months sins wee even say each other. But when she Quit her Job. Her Very good Job and Moved in with me, and three punk rock- hard core skater dudes, that was weird. then she refused to pay rent like everyone else. That was crazy. Especially since she was always smoking and trying to get 'shrooms.
Things got really crazy when my Deadhead sister and her heroin addicted boyfriend showed up in a van and decided that they could flop there for a couple of weeks. Tensions really started rising.
So then Girl friend Decided that we really needed to move to a place in Tennessee, because there was too much "negative energy". Even the skate-punks were like "that is a bad idea."
But she was all wrapped up in this back to the land idea. Babies just love that. Out door toilets, No doctors, flies, fleas and coyotes....
When we ended up traveling up to Maine just to get married, at my fathers demand, I'd already accepted that it was out of control.
Oh and the restaurant that i cooked for had let me go long before, because i was just tweaking all the time.
Really out of control was when the baby, newborn, turned blue and we rode in an ambulance for 45 minutes while two midwives pushed air in and out of a tiny corpse.
After we got back from the hospital, I stepped out side in the clear black night an this huge fire ball split apart in the sky. A falling star.
The next day we buried the child in the pouring rain. It came down so hard that the grave filled up with water and the little coffin was floating in the bottom like a tiny boat.
I had no control when Those airplanes crashed the towers in 2001 or when the sea swallowed those people in Indonesia.
I can't stop war.
But it doesn't feel personal
Filling in the grave was the only time i felt any control.
Shoveling red mud over my own child's coffin. that was control.
Thats all we can do really, pick the broken bodies up and lay them out with a little dignity.
Say a prayer.
Watch the stars fall from the sky.
Things got really crazy when my Deadhead sister and her heroin addicted boyfriend showed up in a van and decided that they could flop there for a couple of weeks. Tensions really started rising.
So then Girl friend Decided that we really needed to move to a place in Tennessee, because there was too much "negative energy". Even the skate-punks were like "that is a bad idea."
But she was all wrapped up in this back to the land idea. Babies just love that. Out door toilets, No doctors, flies, fleas and coyotes....
When we ended up traveling up to Maine just to get married, at my fathers demand, I'd already accepted that it was out of control.
Oh and the restaurant that i cooked for had let me go long before, because i was just tweaking all the time.
Really out of control was when the baby, newborn, turned blue and we rode in an ambulance for 45 minutes while two midwives pushed air in and out of a tiny corpse.
After we got back from the hospital, I stepped out side in the clear black night an this huge fire ball split apart in the sky. A falling star.
The next day we buried the child in the pouring rain. It came down so hard that the grave filled up with water and the little coffin was floating in the bottom like a tiny boat.
I had no control when Those airplanes crashed the towers in 2001 or when the sea swallowed those people in Indonesia.
I can't stop war.
But it doesn't feel personal
Filling in the grave was the only time i felt any control.
Shoveling red mud over my own child's coffin. that was control.
Thats all we can do really, pick the broken bodies up and lay them out with a little dignity.
Say a prayer.
Watch the stars fall from the sky.
Access: Public
what can i say but weep with you? thank you for sharing this… my love to you
God, I am so sorry. I would have been pretty out of control as well. It felt like a speeding train as I was reading your words.
I have no words that could come close to addressing your pain. I will say a prayer.
Blessings to you.
Thank you for the prayers.
I'ts been 23 years.
But I try ti remember that we are always just a moment away from a train wreck..
The best we can do is control our own mind an our hearts so that we always have compassion and so we are always ready to act.
Much Love
In deep respect for your suffering and the wisdom it has brought you,
I wish you peace
and even
joy…
William, reading this I wasn't sure you were telling about something that actually happened and then I realized that it must have. there is nothing quite as final and disturbing and horrible than putting dirt on somebody you love. In the rain. You just never know do you, when tragedy is going to hit you. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I appreciate you telling us about this. love, jenni
sometimes this gaia won't let me comment. why is that. so I am starting over. I love the name owen. He smelled like Jimmy. Death. No life left and just a body. It is horrible, so I suppose we can only romanticize. gloss it over. where did that life go. I want to hold on to it. And that person now only lives on in my heart and memory.